Self-love, a buzz word in recent times, is often misinterpreted to mean grabbing your favorite bottle of wine, drawing a bubble bath and treating yourself. Self-love and self-care aren’t synonymous. Self-love in its most fundamental form is finding yourself beneath all the layers of conditioning, external influence, self-criticism, learned and subconscious walls that have been built up, all to uncover who you really are, to ultimately really love that person.
Love seeps into everything we do, feel and say, so what happens when that love for ourselves is lacking? Simply put, we cannot experience love until we learn to extend love inward to ourselves first. We cannot know someone else deeply until we are honest with ourselves and choose to face and get to know ourselves. We cannot be the best version of ourselves until we heal the things that are holding us back or making us feel as if we are not worthy of the love that we give so freely.
Finding who you really are, not the version you are in front of your parents, not the version you are in front of your friends, not the version you are at work, at the store or even with your significant other, but the real you, is the key to having a fulfilled and happy life.
When you learn to love yourself you no longer need validation from others. You stop looking outside of yourself for love, and focus your energy on who you are and what makes you happy. That is life-changing work.
Imagine all the energy we expend everyday being something for someone, the amount of time we spend looking and comparing and shaming ourselves for not being what we think we should be. Now, imagine a day where you focus your energy on yourself, you nurture your inner child who may have wounds you suppressed, you give love to the parts of you that are still not fully healed, you admire yourself for not only your beauty but your strength, and for once, you are able to communicate exactly how you feel without fear of judgement or ruining that perfect façade you have so delicately built up. That is self-love.
It is not saying “I am perfect” but rather saying “I am imperfect, and I accept myself in this season of my life and all others to come.”
Finding self-love gives you the confidence to trust your gut, follow your judgement and pursue a life that brings you deep and fulfilling happiness. It also allows you to cultivate that type of love with another.
Finding your own self-love is a lot like digging for gold. It’s messy and sometimes even disheartening. The further you dig you wonder if there is ever going to be an end, if you will ever find the gold or if you will spend the rest of your life digging in the dirt. But then you find it and realize that every single ounce of pain and effort was worth it—for once you have self-love you cannot lose.
Once you learn how to utilize self-awareness, self-acceptance and radical self-responsibility as a basis for building and maintaining your self-love, it’s as if you developed a superpower. The way you view the world and yourself changes, and you realize that life is not meant to be lived in disharmony with yourself, but rather in divine harmony, regardless of what season of life you are in.
Self-love is more important now than ever, and it starts with you. Simple steps each and every day make a big impact as you examine who you really are and learn to accept yourself and love yourself for who you are and who you are becoming. It is time to redirect our attention away from superficial things that so easily live in our minds rent free and focus on what matters, and that is how we talk to ourselves and treat ourselves each and every day.
Our first love should always be self-love, because without it we are not able to love or be loved truly and deeply, and after all, love is the most important thing, right?
Armon Anderson is a relationship thought leader, life coach and author also known as Mr. Self-Love. His new book is Selflovolgy: Your Journey to Self-Love Starts Here.
The views expressed in this article are the writer’s own.
